Freshman Meets Soulmate After One Week in Dorms
After less than two weeks in Haas Hall, agriculture freshman Jason Maimes has met a girl he claims to be the “love of his life.”
During Howdy Week, Maimes introduced himself to Sarah and Julie, the girls living across the hall. According to sources, he immediately fell in love with Julie, but, after figuring out she had a boyfriend, decided he had always loved Sarah more.
“I don’t know why more people don’t date within the dorms,” said Maimes. “It’s so exciting and convenient to always be 12 feet away from your crush.”
Maimes’ roommate, Andrew Brown, claims Jason spends most of his time looking out the peephole of the door or walking slowly to the bathroom down the hall.
Despite warnings from everyone on his floor, including his RA, Maimes has decided to ask Sarah out this Friday. Without a car, however, his options are limited.
“I’m not sure whether to take her to the Commons or Sbisa,” said Maimes. “Maybe if I’m feeling really romantic, we’ll go to Copperhead Jacks.”
While it remains to be seen how Sarah will respond, the other Haas residents are preparing for the worst — late-night screaming matches, passive aggressive stares, and unbearably awkward hallway encounters.
—Mrs. Dabfire
Mrs. Dabfire is a woman of many talents: certified fish camp mom, unofficial MSC greeter, and full-time vape cloud. A theater major turned amateur intramural pickleball referee, Dabfire made a name for herself when she substituted for her younger cousin at New Student Conference and somehow left with three Breakaway T-shirts, a minor in Agricultural Leadership, and a job offer at Layne’s Chicken Fingers. Known for her emotional range (from giggling to sobbing during the Aggie War Hymn), she’s never seen without a pearl necklace, platform Crocs, and a Juul named “Ol’ Sarge.” She’s not your mom – she’s everybody’s mom. Just don’t ask what’s in her Owala.