Freshman Skips Class to Avoid Eternal Damnation at Rudder Plaza
This past week, statistics freshman Taylor Fuentes skipped all of her classes upon realizing that there is no way past Rudder Plaza without encountering a cult ambush and a crazed bald evangelical telling her to stop sinning or pay the price. On one path, dozens of forced-smile sophomores lurk, drinking their own tears to hydrate after a long day of free labor recruiting freshmen. On the other path, a sign-holding man literally damning her to hell for her blue hair lies in wait.
“I knew I was signing up for a cult when I decided to come to this school, but sub-cults were never on my radar. I thought the only other one allowed was the one where they make you go on three mile runs at 5 AM.”
Fuentes is under the impression that Banner Alley and That Man are a hazing gimmick for the first week of classes and that they will go away in the near future.
“Hahaha, at least now I understand why everyone calls this a cult, very funny! Thankfully the hazing part of my Aggie experience is done,” Fuentes said. I’m so excited for a completely normal year where I never have to encounter freakish cult behavior again!”
— Loco-Motive
Fueled by pure caffeine and watching reruns of Student Senate debates, Loco-Motive runs on chaos and charisma. Once a calm, rule-following freshman, they accidentally rode the Spirit Bus route in a full loop and emerged… different. Now, Loco-Motive writes exposés at lightning speed, stirring the pot and spilling the tea with zero brakes. You’ll see them sprinting across campus double fisting a Red Bull and Iced Latte on any given day. They’ve been banned from GroupMe six times and somehow turned it into a resume booster. Loco-Motive isn’t just off the rails, they are the rails now.