Board Of Regents Bans Women From All Campuses, Finds Them “Inconsistent With Core Values”
In a historic move to restore Texas A&M to its “original values,” the Texas A&M University System Board of Regents has voted to ban women from all 11 campuses, effective immediately. The decision was announced in a special session Monday evening, citing the institution’s founding principles as the primary motivation.
“For over 100 years, this university thrived as an all-male institution, producing strong, disciplined leaders,” chairman Bill Mahomes said. “It wasn’t until the late 1960s that things started to change, and well, we all saw what happened after that.”
The Rudder Association has already released a statement praising the decision. “Back in my day, a majority of the women on campus were the ones in photographs of sweethearts back home, or at best, dates to the football game” Dr. Andy Hansen ‘71 said, adjusting his ring for emphasis. “It’s about time we return to tradition.”
As part of the transition, Texas A&M will be updating all promotional materials to reflect its new, historically accurate campus environment. The Office of Admissions has already rebranded the “Howdy” campaign to include “unless you’re a woman,” and campus signage is being replaced with phrases such as “Men of Honor, Men of Aggieland.”
The move has also raised logistical questions regarding student life and campus operations. The Division of Student Affairs has announced that all-women’s dorms will be repurposed into additional Corps of Cadets housing. Meanwhile, the Women’s Resource Center will be rebranded as “The Man Cave,” while featuring activities such as knife sharpening, rifle maintenance, and sitting in silence without blinking.
Some students have expressed concern that this new policy could make campus less inclusive, but university officials insist that the change will not affect real Aggies. “People have been saying for years that this place just doesn’t feel the same,” an anonymous administrator said. “Well, now it does. And if you don’t like it, there’s always Austin.”
In completely unrelated news, I have just been informed that I am no longer a writer for The Mugdown since, as it turns out, I am a woman. If you need me, I’ll be transferring to Texas Woman’s University.
– 8:30 P.M. Yell
Every org has that one guy who thinks starting a meeting at 8:30 p.m. is “past bedtime.” That’s 8:30PM Yell. A geriatric soul trapped in a college student’s body, he feels any event scheduled past sunset is a personal attack. His planner is color coded, he has a reminder to start “winding down” set for 6 PM, and just the concept of a yell practice starting at midnight is enough to give him nightmares.