President Welsh Declares 125% Import Tariffs On University Of Texas
Amidst ongoing tensions between the University of Texas and Texas A&M University, President Mark A. Welsh III declared that 125% tariffs on all imports from the University of Texas will go into effect immediately and indefinitely.
President Welsh clarified that the tariffs will include all imports of burnt orange apparel, Matthew McConaughey films, Bevo stuffed animals, anything in Whole Foods, overpriced cold brew and bisexual indie music.
Interim president of the University of Texas, Jim Davis, quickly retaliated against Welsh’s bold stance. “We will not get lost in a useless numbers game,” Davis said.
A&M economics professor Dr. Steven Bagley defended the tariffs. “President Welsh knows exactly what he’s doing here,” Bagley said. “Frankly, this is genius. It is time Texas A&M stopped letting our rival walk all over us—even if it is at the expense of our own livelihood!”
The tariffs have caused tension around campus, as many students cautiously fear how the rash economic policy will affect the remaining dining dollars in their account. The tariffs have already caused Sbisa Dining Hall to remove the stir fry station, leaving tens of students devastated.
– Bigger Justice
He didn’t join J-Court for the resume; he joined for the robe and powdered wig. Bigger Justice treats every hearing like it’s a Supreme Court case, despite the fact that he only hears cases about Turtlebox speakers that magically turned into water bottles in front of a student body president banner. He talks exclusively in phrases like “with all due respect” and “this sets a dangerous precedent,” even to his professors. What started as a minor election infraction somehow turns into a full-scale hearing on the moral fabric of Aggieland, complete with phrases like “for the integrity of this institution” and “let the record reflect.” He doesn’t just interpret the rules, he becomes them. The case may be small, but don’t worry…he’ll make it bigger.