Unattended Zyns Stolen At MSC
Business freshman Bradson Chad is one of many students who finds themself Zyn-less today amidst a recent uptick in stolen property reports occurring at the MSC. Texas A&M has reported a record number of Honor Council meetings in violation of the Aggie Honor Code this year, with stolen property making up a majority of the cases brought forth.
In a recent breach of the Aggie Honor Code, one victim was taking a nap in the Flag Room with his Zyn in hand. When he woke up, his 6 containers of Zyn were missing.
“The discrimination I have to endure at this university is sickening,” Chad said. “Everyone can leave their Apple ecosystems and Lululemon belt bags around, but when I leave my Zyns out everybody forgets that Aggies don’t lie, cheat, or steal?? This is such an obviously targeted attack!”
Chad surprisingly has not been reprimanded by the university for possession of a nicotine substance on school property. The Honor Council has implicitly reinforced the idea that an Aggie stealing ranks higher on their priority list than eighteen-year-olds “tweaking” from “safe” drugs.
The official written statement from the Honor Council reiterates that “Texas A&M has a zero tolerance policy regarding stealing personal property on campus. If you are caught with a nicotine product on your person, we don’t care. Once the nic is stolen, we have a real problem. Pop those personal zynnies away!”
— Loco-Motive
Fueled by pure caffeine and watching reruns of Student Senate debates, Loco-Motive runs on chaos and charisma. Once a calm, rule-following freshman, they accidentally rode the Spirit Bus route in a full loop and emerged… different. Now, Loco-Motive writes exposés at lightning speed, stirring the pot and spilling the tea with zero brakes. You’ll see them sprinting across campus double fisting a Red Bull and Iced Latte on any given day. They’ve been banned from GroupMe six times and somehow turned it into a resume booster. Loco-Motive isn’t just off the rails, they are the rails now.