Win! Perfect Roommate Finally Left Dirty Pan In The Sink
A reported three of four tenants are celebrating the recent screw up of their fourth roommate — last week, a nonstick pan was found sitting in the kitchen sink, covered in an unidentified substance, and left “to soak.” This unprecedented win has left reporters and witnesses stunned as this particular group of housemates scramble to find stability within a new norm.
“No one could have predicted this,” tenant Mark Livingston said. “It’s muddied the very clear distinction between clean roommates and messy ones. Me? Oh, I’m usually one of the clean ones, I just get so busy with homework and school and church and my girlfriend and I volunteer and —”
Investigative reports have since surfaced, blaming the dirty dish on Texas A&M engineering junior Ben “Stick Up His Ass” Seymour, who spoke out in a public statement.
“Yes, I’m human; sometimes I make mistakes,” Seymour said. “But for a first infraction? Their reaction is overstated, not to mention hypocritical.”
In response, the roommates threw a party over the weekend, listed on Facebook as “retributive and BYOB.” The celebration lasted well into the night until Bryan Police were called to shut it down at around 3:30 a.m. Officers report three gently used confetti cannons, a mass of empty champagne bottles, a DIY pinata in the shape of Seymour’s head and around 75 to 80 party goers who fled from the scene.
— Call Me By My Fish’s Name
With his Oakley sunglasses and a lawn chair perpetually camped out on the banks of the Aggie Park pond, Call me by my Fish’s Name is often asked for help by many novice fishermen. It’s a service he’s happy to provide — a true model fisherman. One time though, we caught him trying to sneak a bass out of the park, a clear violation of the catch and release policy. We didn’t report him to the game warden, but we did come to an understanding that day. Call me by my Fish’s Name stopped by our office a few days after this incident, and has been writing for us ever since.