Swifties Brace For Online Ticket Pull

Despite widespread student concern over the switch to an online ticket pull system, there’s one demographic feeling as confident as ever: the boyfriends of Taylor Swift fans. 

Following the announcement of the Eras Tour in 2022, Swifties across the country braced for the Ticketmaster throwdown of the century. The ruthless clicking, ethernet cables and raw stamina acquired by the Swiftie community has laid the foundation for some of the greatest online-ticket purchasers of our time. Though Taylor Swift tickets may not be as in-demand as Aggie football, research shows that Swift’s tickets do report a narrow margin. 

“My love language is acts of service — Tanner knows this,” local Swiftie girlfriend Cassidy Muller said. Tanner Feldman, Muller’s boyfriend, was present for the interview. He offered no verbal comments, simply nodding profusely each time Muller spoke and staring at the floor. “Let the record show that I paid original sale prices for floor seats at Eras in Houston, Las Vegas and both of the Arlington shows. If Tanner wants first-deck seats for every major game next year, that’s exactly what we’re gonna get. I know what I’m doing.”

Muller says her love for Swift is integral to her success in the Ticketmaster conquests.

“Do you know how many guys I’ve had to break things off with for their blatant lack of respect for Taylor?” Muller said. “Their loss. Tanner here knows how to suck it up and learn the words to “Dear John,” and now he’s basically guaranteed fantastic seats all season long. And just look at Taylor and Travis — It’s never been so chic to have a football boyfriend.”

Swift’s ESPN coverage has made attending football games look more glamorous than ever. Not only will Kyle Field see an influx of Swifties taking up the best seats in the house, they will also be the best-dressed people there. Expect vintage merch, mini skirts and lipstick redder than Swift’s hit 2012 album.