College Station To Erect Gay Bar Over Demolished Hurricane Harry’s
Last Monday, College Station Mayor John Nichols announced that a homosexual dance bar is planned to be erected over the demolished remains of Hurricane Harry’s. The announcement follows criticism that College Station is “losing its character” because of the replacement of beloved bars and restaurants with high-price condominiums.
“We’ve been receiving a lot of criticism for the demolition of Harry’s,” Nichols said in a public statement. “Rest assured, it was always our plan to replace Hurricane Harry’s with an establishment that more accurately reflects the spirit of our town and university. Naturally, the obvious choice is a gay bar.”
The bar, tentatively named Century Twink, will feature two full dance floors, a stocked bar and a phallus-shaped bull ride.
“Those who still want to get their country western dancing in will have the place to do so. Rules, however, are being slightly altered,” Nichols said. “There will be no more of that guy-on-girl action anymore. Dances will be strictly homosexual, and we will have local officers on-site to enforce this Thursday through Saturday night.”
These statements sparked controversy from many College Station residents, concerned that without Hurricane Harry’s there would be no place for heterosexuals left in College Station. Later, Nichols released a dual statement addressing these concerns and defending the decision.
“Don’t ask, don’t tell,” Nichols said. “If nobody knows you’re straight, then what’s the problem?”
Century Twink is slated to begin construction at the end of March, and will finish by the end of Pride Month in time for the fall 2025 semester.
— Boot Macer
For any cadets that may be reading this, you surely are already wary of typical boot chasers that prey on you for first deck tickets. Boot Macer, however, is a much more significant threat. She hides in the bushes, waiting for a zip lost in thought before she strikes, blinding them with her pepper spray and taking their boots. Nobody knows what she looks like since she strikes so fast, nor why she feels it’s necessary to rebel against the Corps in this way. Boot Macer’s hobby has been great for us, however, as we’ve enjoyed having access to a closet full of boots of many different sizes. We try to not ask too many questions, lest we become Boot Macer’s next target.