Freshman Research Assistant Accidentally Creates Bioweapon
On Tuesday, freshman biology major Andy Turner caused massive panic when he accidentally created a bioweapon. Turner has served as a research assistant in Dr. Sarah Huffine’s lab, known for gene structure and regulation, for the past two months.
As a freshman research assistant, Turner’s responsibilities reportedly include washing beakers, sweeping floors and sitting quietly in the corner while the real scientists worked.
“I really don’t know how he did this,” principal investigator Sarah Huffine said. “The fact that he managed to create a global catastrophe while rinsing a beaker is impressi— I mean horrifying.”
The FBI, in conjunction with the University Police Department, arrested Turner from Hullabaloo Hall last Monday. He was found wearing nothing but a pair of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas — a testament to his crimes.
On Friday, Turner was indicted by a grand jury for multiple counts of bioterrorism and environmental crimes.
“They haven’t taught us what bioterrorism is in BIOL 111 yet. Is there a Quizlet on this?” Turner said during his plea hearing.
The jury remained unswayed during Turner’s testimony.
“Please, guys. I’m pre-med. I can’t have this on my record. Can I call my advisor?” Turner said while being handcuffed.
Turner was sentenced to 30 years in a maximum-security prison. When he’s released, Turner hopes to matriculate in medical school as a non-traditional applicant.
— Hello Dammit
An expert in Southern hospitality with a rage problem, Hello Dammit greets all with a smile… and a passive-aggressive comment about your parking job. They’ve held 14 student leadership positions, go to trivia every single night of the week, and have weaponized Canva and group chats alike. If you’ve ever been voluntold to work an event you don’t remember signing up for, it was them. Hello Dammit has big former-Yell-Leader energy and will quote the Aggie Honor Code during casual conversation. They’re not mad… just disappointed. Actually, scratch that. They’re mad and disappointed.