Sue Sylvester To Replace Joe Ramirez Jr. As Vice President Of Student Affairs

University administration broke its silence on Monday regarding the retirement of Vice President for Student Affairs Joe Ramirez Jr. with the announcement that Sue Sylvester will take over his role beginning in 2025.

According to Sylvester, life in the White House did not live up to her lofty expectations. After serving two consecutive terms as the “V.P.” under President Jeb Bush, she realized that her true passion had always been teaching others, no matter how much she claimed to despise her students. 

“Since I can’t run for this office again, I need something to do with my pre-retirement years,” Sylvester said in a press conference. “I’ve already been the Vice President of a whole damn country, so there’s no way these military freaks down in Texas would be too much for me to handle. And that’s how Sue C’s it.”

Texas A&M is slated to look very different under Sylvester’s leadership. Alongside her official hiring announcement that was sent to all A&M students, she included a list of student organizations that will be disbanded at the start of the upcoming semester. Among the unlucky groups are Cepheid Variable, the Society for Creative Anachronism and the Quidditch Club.

According to correspondents at WOHN-TV, Sylvester has reached out to Principal Will Schuester of the William McKinley Performing Arts High School to fill a newly-vacant choral director position. With Schuester at the helm, the university’s various a cappella groups will be merged to form the “New New Directions” in preparation for the ICCA National Championships in April.

The Yell Leaders reacted with outrage at being put “on notice” for the upcoming basketball and baseball seasons, with rumors spreading that Sylvester is bringing the Cheerios to College Station.

— MSGlee