Freshman Cadet Secretly Sad No One Is Hazing Him
A member of the Corps of Cadets secretly wishes he was getting hazed, an anonymous survey says. Following National Hazing Prevention Week, the Texas A&M Corps Of Cadets has had its lowest number of hazing reports of all time; reports from the Quad state that it’s been “sunshine and rainbows, the absolute pinnacle of brotherly love shining through the dorms.” Some Corps members, however, are disappointed at the lack of bullying directed at them.
“They told me I would be getting roughed up and rabble-roused,” one Corps Freshman — who asked to remain anonymous — stated in a survey aimed at cadets. “I grew up with brothers, so I can take it. I thought at least one night I’d wake up tied to my bed, or dressed like a girl, or in the middle of a field at the Louisiana border!”
The cadet, a member of E-2, went on to state that no one had even tried to grab his butt or give him an atomic wedgie.
“My commanding officers have been nothing but kind to me,” the cadet said. “They’ve really empowered me through the first couple months of morning PT, and have really helped in facilitating a kind and loving, but still disciplined, environment. I just wish they were a little stricter with their discipline — whenever I mess up they sit me down and make me use ‘I feel’ statements.”
In response to this claim, Corps Of Cadets Standards and Accountability Director Jack Grandier ‘84 said that while he was happy to hear about the lack of training, he still sympathized with this young Corps member.
“I understand what it’s like,” Grandier said. “While I am glad to hear we are not breaking any laws, it is a little disappointing to know that the Corp Of Cadets, as we know it, has been completely neutered.”
— Middle Class Missionary
Middle Class was always the disappointment of the family. He was born to the family of Swedish death metalheads that founded Hot Topic, but never took an interest in music, the supernatural, or anything alternative. That all changed when one day he picked up a little book written by a fella named Jesus Christ. Soon he would be traveling around the world, spreading the good word at sold out stadiums. Along the way, he picked up more than an acoustic guitar and an affinity for ham-boning. He made a lot of money too! After achieving peak global success, he realized his true purpose in life: to build an ever bigger Protestant church down the street from St. Mary’s.