Hungover Aggie Never Drinking Again “On Everyone’s Souls”
On Sunday afternoon, after two straight nights of drinking, geology sophomore Michael Rotswan pledged that he would never drink again “on everyone’s souls.”
Allegedly, Rotswan was spurred to make this pledge following a bender consisting of a half bottle of Tito’s, six BeatBoxes, and an entire cooler of seltzers and beer.
Who Rotswan meant by “everyone” remains unclear. However, friends of Rotswan reportedly fear for their salvation.
“I know Michael, and he is not that strong willed,” architecture freshman Grace Thompson said, tears streaming down her face. “I don’t want to lose my soul. Please, God, someone help him. I can’t die like this.”
St. Mary’s and affiliated chapters of the Catholic Church are offering expedited confessions and other forms of holy forgiveness for Aggies concerned that their day of judgment may be coming sooner than expected. Ash Langley, a chemical engineering senior in the St. Mary’s confession line and known associate of Rotswan, was available for comment.
“I thought I’d have all my life to find God,” Langley said. “Now I need to make sure I get to heaven sooner than expected. I saw Michael eying a Truly just this morning. It’s only a matter of time.”
Allegedly, Rotswan was last seen texting a group chat asking to “run it back” at Chimy’s, ignoring a sobbing nun grasping his shirt and begging him for mercy.
— Boot Macer
For any cadets that may be reading this, you surely are already wary of typical boot chasers that prey on you for first deck tickets. Boot Macer, however, is a much more significant threat. She hides in the bushes, waiting for a zip lost in thought before she strikes, blinding them with her pepper spray and taking their boots. Nobody knows what she looks like since she strikes so fast, nor why she feels it’s necessary to rebel against the Corps in this way. Boot Macer’s hobby has been great for us, however, as we’ve enjoyed having access to a closet full of boots of many different sizes. We try to not ask too many questions, lest we become Boot Macer’s next target.