Roughneck Statue Creates Unrealistic Body Standards For Other Statues

Next time you fantasize about kissing the roughneck statue — we’ve all done it, don’t lie — take a second to think about the other statues on campus, and how they feel.

“They all swoon over him, and they just put pennies on me,” one statue, who wished to remain anonymous, said. “I’m a respected historical figure, yet students only want to write fanfictions about this random engineer.”

This sentiment is shared by nearly all statues on campus, most sharing that they feel unsatisfied with their representation. 

“Since when are engineers hotter than football players?” Heisman asked. “No one told me I could strike a stripper pose for my statue.”

“I was not that small in real life.” Twelfth Man statue said. “I’m starting to think the engineers who designed these statues had an agenda.”

In fact, many of the statues on campus have come together to sue the university, claiming defamation of character.   

Texas A&M has been quick to respond, stating they value all their statues equally, even the less hot ones. University officials even put together a plea deal, offering to add hot shirtless statues everywhere to give all our heroes the respect they deserve. 

However, until we get a sultry shirtless sully statue, students have been advised to refrain from commenting on the comparative sexiness of different statues. 

— Mrs. Dabfire