Conner Weigman Out Rest Of Season Due To Tummy Ache
Aggie quarterback Conner Weigman has been stricken with a season-ending tummy ache, Texas A&M football announced on Wednesday.
Following Weigman’s injury last season — putting him out of the conference after only four games — Aggies were hopeful for a strong quarterback to carry them through the upcoming season. Unfortunately, Weigman’s innate fragility seems to be slated against the team.
“It’s not looking good,” head coach Mike Elko said. “We’ve set up a no-no zone during practice so the other players don’t touch him — trying to mitigate future injuries — but clearly it hasn’t been working.”
Elko explained the various protection methods the team has employed to keep Weigman playing.
“We’ve taken to bubble wrapping him during practice, but that just makes the other players tackle him more,” Elko said. “The noise, I guess, is what draws them in. Our next step is to just let him sit on the sidelines the whole time and have the waterboys fan him with palm fronds and feed him grapes, but I don’t know if even that will do the trick.”
The tummy ache appears to be serious. Texas A&M Athletics doctors say there’s little to no chance of Weigman returning this season.
“At the end of the day, we just want to keep him safe,” Elko said. “The game doesn’t matter, we don’t have to win. He’s our fragile little baby boy and we need to protect him.”
— Batt-atouille
The Battalion has a rat infestation, and one of these filthy rodents found its way onto our staff. We discovered him deep in the sewers under Sbisa after a long shift of hiding under the head chef’s hat. Now, he loves writing for us just as much as he loves pulling hair. When he’s not busy in the dining hall kitchen or writing articles for the other “publication” on campus, he cooks up articles for us. We’re happy to have him on our team, even though he leaves a copious amount of health code violations in his trail.