Thursday, November 21, 2024
Texas A&M's First Satirical Newspaper, Since 1875


Helmetless Moped Crash Victim Posthumously Awarded ‘Best Hair’

By MSC ALITTLE , in Campus Life Student Issues , at September 24, 2024 Tags: , , ,

Following a fatal collision with a distracted driver Monday morning, business senior Austin Kaufman was posthumously awarded “Best Hair” by his fraternity, Theta Pi Mu, in tribute to the “gorgeous, windswept locks he brought to every chapter meeting and tailgate.” The Texas A&M University Police Department noted that Kaufman was not wearing a helmet during the 30 mph crash and likely could have walked away had he been wearing protective headgear.

“That was truly the best hair I’ve ever seen,” local mortician Jeff Goetze said after working on Kaufman’s corpse. “Sure, I had to pull pieces of asphalt out of his caved-in forehead and wipe a little brain matter off his nose, but I’m recommending an open casket just so mourners can catch a glimpse of ‘80s Patrick Swayze from the hairline up.” 

In an Instagram post memorial, Theta Pi Mu members commented how Kaufman was so committed to his craft that he wore noise-canceling headphones extra loose while riding so as to not push down his hair. Friends also reminisced on Kaufman’s legendary thirst-trap video, where he clinched the Mr. Chi Theta Gamma 2023 title by running a hand through his voluptuous mane while shirtless on the moped. Kaufman was said to have “exhibited exceptional talent” in the clip by recording and steering with the same hand, while simultaneously showcasing his impeccable jawline.

Despite an outpouring of sympathy from the community, economics sophomore Anderson Caldwell, whose father suffered a traumatic brain injury in a helmetless motorcycle accident, said the family should consider themselves lucky given the circumstances. 

“Honestly, they really dodged a bullet. My dad is incontinent, can’t remember his own name, and needs 24/7 attention from my mom after hitting his head on a curb,” Caldwell said. “Totally destroyed my family, all because he didn’t think about how his choices affected us.” 

A vigil will be held next Wednesday night, where a cross topped with a wig resembling Kaufman’s hair will be placed near the spot of the accident. The ceremony is open to all. 

— MSC ALITTLE