Men’s Org Finds Perfect DEI Candidate: Tan, White Man.
Facing pressure from the university to diversify their membership roster, prominent Men’s Org Aggie FELLAS found a diversity hire candidate in Brock Swanson, a tan white man. He is allegedly sought by FELLAS for his ethnically ambiguous look which includes a Bahamas vacation tan and $300 perm. Swanson is set to fast track through the FELLAS’ three-stage recruitment process and join within the week.
“I don’t really think it’s a problem,” Swanson said when asked for comment. “I mean, in a lot of ways I do count as a racial minority, since I’m, like, a quarter Italian or something. I’m pretty proud of my heritage there.”
When asked for comment, FELLAS president Teddy Pilgrim responded.
“It’s the perfect solution,” Pilgrim said. “ After we fast-track him, we can put him in the front of all the recruitment since it looks like he could almost be not white, but in a cool way. It’s always a bit stressful going into recruitment season with the expectation of recruiting some non-white people, so it’s a big relief going into this fall knowing that we don’t have to do that this time around.”
Swanson can be found front and center on the FELLAS instagram page with a polo and nametag and surrounded by pale blonde execs, highlighting his ethnic features.
— Boot Macer
For any cadets that may be reading this, you surely are already wary of typical boot chasers that prey on you for first deck tickets. Boot Macer, however, is a much more significant threat. She hides in the bushes, waiting for a zip lost in thought before she strikes, blinding them with her pepper spray and taking their boots. Nobody knows what she looks like since she strikes so fast, nor why she feels it’s necessary to rebel against the Corps in this way. Boot Macer’s hobby has been great for us, however, as we’ve enjoyed having access to a closet full of boots of many different sizes. We try to not ask too many questions, lest we become Boot Macer’s next target.