Campus Mormons Ignite Holy Turf War for Sidewalks and Street Corners
Mormons on campus at Texas A&M have declared plans to ignite a “Holy Turf War” for sidewalks and streets, reports say. This declaration follows disputes between Mormons and other on-campus proselytizing groups, including certain Evangelical groups and those guys that hand out the little Bibles.
“We recognize the need now more than ever for a more aggressive strategy to ascertain the rights to certain places on campus,” Elder Abel Beckstead stated. “We believe it is our divine duty to claim these spaces — primarily sidewalks, street corners, and the occasional parking lot — in order to further spread the good word of the Latter Day Saints.”
When asked about the level of lethality they were prepared to enforce, Elder Beckstead promised they were not looking for any bloodshed during the campaign.
“We plan on using completely non-violent tactics, of course,” Elder Beckstead said. “However, we have fortunately received a message of divine providence letting us know we are completely above the law on this one.”
The Mormon conquest is scheduled to begin any day now, and Campus authorities have already begun to prepare. Reports state University police will now carry water guns full of caffeine and lube.
— Middle Class Missionary
Middle Class was always the disappointment of the family. He was born to the family of Swedish death metalheads that founded Hot Topic, but never took an interest in music, the supernatural, or anything alternative. That all changed when one day he picked up a little book written by a fella named Jesus Christ. Soon he would be traveling around the world, spreading the good word at sold out stadiums. Along the way, he picked up more than an acoustic guitar and an affinity for ham-boning. He made a lot of money too! After achieving peak global success, he realized his true purpose in life: to build an ever bigger Protestant church down the street from St. Mary’s.