Christian Campus Preacher Dissolves to Dust After Learning That He, Too, Uses Pronouns
On January 31st, Christian preacher John Dowry dissolved into a pile of ash at Academic Plaza after being told that everybody, including him, uses pronouns. This came at the end of a public sermon in which Dowry denounced what he called “transgender ideology.”
“All of these transgender folks are telling us that we need to start using pronouns. Well, I’m sick of it!” Dowry said. “Nobody who has accepted the truth and the word of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, would ever use pronouns; that has to be a sin.”
After an attending student, Zayn Ali, informed him that he had used fifteen pronouns in the last minute alone, Dowry stumbled over his words for ten seconds before devolving into incoherent screaming. Then, he dissolved into a pile of ash which was soon swept away by the wind.
“How was I supposed to know he didn’t know ‘it’ was a pronoun?” Ali said. “Or ‘that’? Or ‘I’? Don’t people learn this in middle school? Am I going to jail for this? Should I even be talking to you?”
Dowry is survived by his wife Mary Dowry and his eight children.
“This has been difficult for all of us,” Mary Dowry said. “But at least we can go on knowing that John is closer to God now, doing what he always wanted—wait a minute, did I just refer to him with a pronoun? Oh God—”
— Boot Macer
For any cadets that may be reading this, you surely are already wary of typical boot chasers that prey on you for first deck tickets. Boot Macer, however, is a much more significant threat. She hides in the bushes, waiting for a zip lost in thought before she strikes, blinding them with her pepper spray and taking their boots. Nobody knows what she looks like since she strikes so fast, nor why she feels it’s necessary to rebel against the Corps in this way. Boot Macer’s hobby has been great for us, however, as we’ve enjoyed having access to a closet full of boots of many different sizes. We try to not ask too many questions, lest we become Boot Macer’s next target.