Fish Camp Chair Reject Forced to Become Productive Member of Society
This past Tuesday, hundreds of hopeful Fish Camp chairs opened their email to find they were not given this elusive honor and will instead be spending their summer as productive members of society in a job or internship. These rejects will not be able to make partnerships bound to lead to a one-night stand, magically have all of their best friends in the same camp, or even spend their whole summer in one of the finest cities in Texas, College Station.
“What else is summer for if I can’t make temporary relationships with hundreds of freshmen I’ll never speak to again,” Kate Fisher, a chair reject, said. “My whole life is Fish Camp!”
After seeing a major decrease in class attendance and virtually all campus life this past week, it was discovered that an overwhelming number of Texas A&M juniors spent the majority of their break scrambling for internship positions after finding out they were not selected to be a Fish Camp chairperson.
“What good is a summer internship if I can’t brag about it in my Instagram bio, or take cute pictures on the steps of their corporate building? I simply do not know how other students do one of these nine to five things every summer,” reject John Robert said.
On an unrelated note, the University Writing Center has seen its one-star reviews increase by 450%.
— Lavender Hazed
Yes, Lavender Hazed is a Swiftie, but Don’t You start thinking those stereotypes Mean you know everything about her Sad Beautiful Tragic story. She bleeds Maroon which is why she joined the Corps of Cadets. But The Very First Night, Lavender Hazed learned the Corps was no Wonderland when The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived in Briggs Hall tried to haze her with a rubber snake attached to an Invisible String. Fortunately, she was able to Jump Then Fall out her window to the Holy Ground of the Quad and run to her Getaway Car. Lavender Hazed knew All Too Well (10 Minute Version) that Everything Has Changed. Even after reporting The Man, she could not Shake It Off that she was The Lucky One that was Safe & Sound. Long Story Short, now she spends her Daylight writing satire to expose hazing all across campus which to her is Better than Revenge. Mirrorball.