Everyone Invited to Your Roommate’s Ring Dunk Except You
Following the influx of newly heavy-handed Aggies this September, thousands of roommates have risen up to share their stories about a unique Texas A&M travesty: not being invited to a roommate’s ring dunk.
“I don’t understand what I could’ve done, I take out the trash and everything!” Jasmine Howell, a sophomore communications major living with two juniors, said. The turn of events leading up to the haunting “Oh how was the ring dunk?” question is “forever etched” into Howell’s memory.
“Well, I remember walking into the kitchen and seeing my roommate’s entire extended family chatting,” Howell said. “Of course, her mom asks me if they’ll be seeing me at the ring dunk party that night, a statement to which my roomie made a hissing noise while I had to of course awkwardly shake my head. It was humiliating!”
Daniella Villanueva, the roommate that not so cunningly planned her pitcher-perfect night to avoid those pesky roommate discrepancies.
“It was really nothing personal, I just hate her guts!” Villanueva said. “I definitely did my best to keep her from knowing, but oh yeah, I did post about it on Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, Facebook, and LinkedIn….”
— Lavender Hazed
Yes, Lavender Hazed is a Swiftie, but Don’t You start thinking those stereotypes Mean you know everything about her Sad Beautiful Tragic story. She bleeds Maroon which is why she joined the Corps of Cadets. But The Very First Night, Lavender Hazed learned the Corps was no Wonderland when The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived in Briggs Hall tried to haze her with a rubber snake attached to an Invisible String. Fortunately, she was able to Jump Then Fall out her window to the Holy Ground of the Quad and run to her Getaway Car. Lavender Hazed knew All Too Well (10 Minute Version) that Everything Has Changed. Even after reporting The Man, she could not Shake It Off that she was The Lucky One that was Safe & Sound. Long Story Short, now she spends her Daylight writing satire to expose hazing all across campus which to her is Better than Revenge. Mirrorball.