Colluding Chair Instructs Favored Counselors to Encode Essays With Caesar Cipher
Prior to the application deadline, Fish Camp chair Lauren Cellizi instructed certain counselors to encode their essays using a Caesar Cypher to guarantee they end up in her camp. The cipher, which is decodable only by knowing the offset, will allow only Cellizi to read the application and select the candidates she has wanted since the informational.
“I talked to Lauren at the informational, and she immediately wanted me in her camp,” freshman Elizabeth Winters said. “I did find it a little bit odd that she asked me to turn in an application that featured no real words, but I guess drastic measures like this are the only way for chairs to ensure they get good camps. And I wouldn’t want to risk a weird chair finding out how cool I am and trying to pick me.”
Sources within Fish Camp have confirmed that counselors have frequently used uncommon words to stand out to their preferred chairs despite the policy of keeping applications anonymous. Although Cellizi’s use of ancient Roman cryptography may seem to be an escalation in collusion methods, professors within the Department of Computer Science & Engineering have criticized the method of encoding. “Although this technique may have been state-of-the-art thousands of years ago, it is extremely elementary,” said Associate Department Head Martin Carlisle. “This chair should have consulted the Advanced Encryption Standard and consider taking ‘MATH 470: Communications and Cryptography’ next semester.”
— MSC ALITTLE
You’ve seen him, the phantom of the Memorial Student Center, lurking in the back of the lunch crowd. Perhaps you caught a glimpse of him darting in and out of various conference rooms. MSC ALITTLE is the CEO of overcommitment, and a sucker for any organization with a pithy acronym. His motives are a mystery. Clout chasing? Resume building? Maybe he just really likes the food at Rev’s. Whatever the case, we count ourselves lucky to be swept away to his lair in the basement, to be tutored in time management and seizing the day.