Mays Poll Reveals Male Aggies’ Top 10 Fears
A new Mays Business School poll surveyed more than 1,100 male Aggies and found that the greatest fears among the men of Texas A&M University this semester are not ghosts, clowns or midterms, but rather more modern anxieties. Below are the Fightin’ Texas Aggie Men’s top 10 fears.
After analyzing the results, researchers cited the worsening date market as the cause of these newfound fears.
“It’s a pretty concerning development,” said lead researcher and Mays senior Brayden Whitlock, a finance major who confirmed he has never once been concerned about anything else. “We’re seeing a lot of high-value men getting mogged by guys with better frames. Frankly, the market is becoming increasingly unfavorable for the average Aggie male.”
Whitlock blamed what he called “an unprecedented epidemic of hypergamous foids across the Bryan–College Station metropolitan area,” which he claims has hit finance majors especially hard.
“It’s a supply-and-demand issue, something I learned about in my ECON 203 class” Whitlock said. “You have an unchanging supply of high-value men and an increasingly selective pool of women who, for whatever reason, seem to be disproportionately interested in men who ‘treat them with kindness and respect.’ At some point, something has to give.”
This sentiment is common, Whitlock said, with many respondents struggling to understand why their extensive knowledge of dark psychology and cryptocurrency has failed to translate into romantic success.
“It’s frustrating. I hold doors open, I text back quickly, and I don’t even care if a girl wears makeup,” Whitlock said. “I just think it’s unfair that women don’t fall into my lap whenever I go to Northgate. I’m actually a really nice guy.”
The student said he had recently begun lifting and was halfway through a 47-minute YouTube video on facial masculinity.
“Imagine spending three years working out, mewing, trading stock and doing everything right, only to lose out to some guy named Tim in Birkenstocks,” Whitlock said. “He’s five-foot-nine. He laughs at her jokes. He, I’m told, listens to her. You have to be completely performative to get game at all in this economy. It’s scary.”
Whitlock said he hoped the poll would “start a conversation,” though he was clear that he would be doing most of the talking.
The Mugdown reached out to the Texas A&M Department of Women’s and Gender Studies for its perspective on the findings, but quickly realized the department was cut by the university.
Whitlock said his team will conduct a follow-up poll next semester to determine whether Aggie men fear hypergamy more than the possibility that the individual poll responses would be shared with women.
— CasanovAg
