Texas A&M Meat Judging Team to Teach Football Players What It Takes to be Elite

In the face of recent disappointment and mounting backlash from Aggie football fans, a team of esteemed coaches has assembled an elite task force to get the Texas A&M Aggies “football players” (debate exists as to whether the team can play football at all) back on track. In a move that has left fans questioning why it took so long, the coaching staff has turned to the one team on campus that actually knows what it takes to win: the Texas A&M Meat Judging Team. 

Texas A&M Athletics has determined that the missing ingredient in its football program may be a few strong role models who understand what it takes to be elite. Under the new partnership, meat judging team members will be paired with football players to provide one-on-one guidance in intensive mentorship sessions. During these sessions, meat judges will share their experiences winning national titles while football players take notes and try not to cry. 

“Yeah, this partnership came as a surprise to us too,” said senior meat judge Hearson Parris. “But winners surround themselves with winners, and these guys could definitely learn a thing or two from us.” 

Based on guidance from the 17-time national champion meat judging team, the coaching staff has announced several changes to the football team’s training regimen, including: 

• A new pregame mentality: Players will be reminded that champions are made, not born.
• Increased aggression: Players will be encouraged to approach every opponent with the same intensity a meat judge brings to a particularly well-marbled ribeye. 
• A revamped locker room culture: Players are to put their heads down and focus. Less talking, more winning. 
• Mandatory winner visualization: Before each game, players must gaze longingly at the 17 national title trophies belonging to the meat judging team and imagine themselves holding a trophy of their own. 

At a press conference addressing concerns about the decision, task force chairman and long-time admirer of meat, Don Schwartz, defended the move. 

“Have you ever watched the movie ‘Rocky’? Remember that scene where he’s punching those carcasses in the meat locker? Yeah, there’s just something about big meat that puts you in a winning mood,” Schwartz said.

While the partnership marks an unprecedented approach to collegiate athletics, sponsors and donors remain cautiously optimistic. After years of pouring millions into a football program with little to show for it, officials are hopeful that a little guidance from the real champions might finally yield a return on investment. At this point, what do they have to lose? 

 

— Chain Saw ‘Em Off