An NPC’s Guide to Ring Dunks
Congrats, you got your Aggie ring! After years of academic dedication, thousands of dollars in crippling student debt and a plethora of questionable decisions, you’ve finally made it. You’ve completed 90 credit hours and have proven yourself worthy of owning a piece of jewelry that costs more than two months’ rent. Your parents are crying, you’ve taken so many pictures of your hand that it deserves its own IMDB page and you have t-minus 48 hours until you voluntarily submerge your most expensive piece of jewelry into a pitcher of beer.
First, you have to assemble the guest list. Remember that a Ring Dunk is only as successful as its attendance. Obviously, you have to invite:
- Every roommate you’ve ever had, all of whom are legally obligated to attend
- Your high school friends, who have absolutely no idea why this is such a big deal
- The people that you’re starting to get annoyed with in your group project
- That one person you sat next to in your POLS 206 class freshman year
- And hell, why not that person you met last night on Northgate?
If fewer than 30 people show up, consider reevaluating your social standing at the university.
Second, you’ll need to figure out where you’re hosting this thing. You’re dunking with four other people, each of whom is inviting at least 15 people, and obviously everyone gets a plus-one, so you’ll need a place where 80-100 people can comfortably stand while watching you attempt to chug a pitcher of beer that quenches your shirt more than your thirst.
May we suggest asking your roommate’s best friend’s dog’s brother’s owner if you can use his house? I heard it has a decent backyard.
Third, you need to know what you’re drinking. Beer is the obvious choice, but what kind? What brand? How long should it sit out? Should you get a keg? A pony keg? A keg for the keg?
Finally, it’s time for the actual dunk. Everyone will gather around to stare you down. Someone will start a countdown, someone else will start recording and the Aggie War Hymn will begin playing in the background, serving as the unofficial university-sanctioned soundtrack to your poor decisions.
The amount of time it takes you will be directly proportional to how cool you are. Under 30 seconds? Absolute beast. Under a minute? Respectable. Anything over three minutes? We regret to inform you that your Aggie Ring has been revoked; please report to the registrar’s office immediately.
After sustaining an irreparable amount of liver damage and becoming the star of a 30-second throw-up montage, you can finally say you’ve officially earned your Aggie Ring.
Wear it proudly. You’ve worked hard for it. Just try not to lose it before graduation.
— The 12th NPC
12th NPC is the kind of character everybody and nobody recognizes– the extra in every video game with the same face as a dozen others. At any time of day, you can find 12th NPC either walking around town, sitting on a bench, or selling items, going day-by-day on a loop of pre-determined actions, only deviating when the main character happens to pass by. It’s actually this very forgettability that makes them so powerful. With the ability to slip into any room unnoticed, 12th NPC can linger on the edge of every conversation, and witness any and all private decisions without any consequences. There are on-going debates at The Mugdown on whether or not this writer even exists, or if it’s a shared mass delusion as articles written by 12th NPC just appear on the website sporadically, with no warning or pattern, just a presence that no one can confirm or deny.