Chemistry Professor Breaks Down After Student Identifies Syllabus Typo

When Texas A&M University freshmen walked into their CHEM 100 class on Tuesday morning, they expected a normal day of instruction. Within the hour, their professor was being rolled out in an ambulance.  

Faculty at Texas A&M University spent the summer meticulously updating their syllabuses to adhere to a new system policy requiring all course materials to be explicitly laid out, lest they decide to “deviate and teach about something too woke.” Some professors found this easy. Others had to go through several rounds of revisions just to get the syllabus approved.

“If we can’t mention race, how are we supposed to teach students where to bomb?” said one political science professor who wished to remain anonymous. “War crimes are an essential part of the Bush School’s legacy. It is incredibly frustrating to have to find workarounds to teach content critical to the major.” 

Most professors heaved a sigh of relief when the semester started, believing themselves to be finally free of the syllabus redaction process. Chemistry professor John Clark was no different. He had already been made to get rid of all mentions of “bonding,” which is purportedly language associated with gay werewolf fanfiction. He thought he was in the clear by the middle of the semester. Yet, mid-lecture on Tuesday, one student raised their hand and pointed out that the phrase “noble gas” had accidentally been typed “noble gay.” 

Students could immediately tell something was wrong. The professor’s eye started twitching, and he stopped responding. It took an estimated 25 minutes for him to move. By the time he did, the class was almost over. 

Eventually, the professor slammed his computer shut and fell to the floor. The students were reportedly too frightened to get close to him out of fear that he might bite. 

“He just kept rocking back and forth, saying ‘I can’t change it. I can’t change it,’” said another student. “After a few minutes, he stood up. He was shrieking and telling everyone to pull out their phones. I think he wanted to make sure we weren’t recording him.”  

But it was too late. By the end of class, the Board of Regents had already been informed that the Department of Chemistry was indoctrinating the freshmen with propaganda. 

“What even is a ‘noble gay’?” said a concerned student. “Is that what they call those people who dress up for the renaissance fair? If it is, that’s fine, but I don’t need to know what they do in the privacy of their public parks. Keep it out of the periodic table.” 

 

— OhiAg