University Officials Appalled After Finance Students Lied, Cheated and Stole Exam Key

A trio of finance majors are on trial this week after a disastrous heist led to their apprehension by authorities. After another semester of retaking Accounting 327, the group, consisting of juniors Stanley Goldman, Wesley Fargo and Kallen Shima, broke into their professor’s office to get the exam answer key for the rest of the semester. However, after falling through the fragile ceiling, breaking their fall with their professor’s computer and various cherished family photos, they found themselves locked inside the office. They were discovered by a janitor the next morning and placed into the custody of the Aggie Honor Council. 

The students maintain that their actions were driven by extraordinary circumstances.

“We didn’t know what to do. Everybody said this would be the hardest semester, and on the first day our professor gave us a lecture on mental health,” said Goldman. “It felt like he was comforting us before taking us outside to be put down.”

This spontaneous act of rebellion has inspired similar student protests. Some professors have been complaining of early onset arthritis from swiping away Duo Mobile alerts from students presumably trying to hack into their Canvas accounts to change their grades. 

“When we created a required class average of 1.5, we didn’t expect this many students to go as far as to cheat,” said Lo Roi, the trio’s professor. “We kind of just thought the students being weeded out would take it lying down.”

In the end, the students pleaded insanity, the Honor Council demanded their immediate death and JPMorgan Chase asked for all of their resumes.

 

— Boot in My Mouth