The Ultimate Guide to Surviving Your Roommate’s Decomposing Kitchen Wasteland
As Spooky Season™ comes to a head, it is only appropriate to address some of the more dastardly variations of Halloween horrors that lurk around every corner of campus: in particular, that nasty ecosystem your roommates started in the shared kitchen sink of your apartment.
Yes, we’re all aware you’ve “tried” getting them to clean it up by providing gentle suggestions and increasingly passive-aggressive text messages, but clearly that’s not working. Now it’s too late, and you have a semi-sentient moldy lasagna and its offspring ready to tear you apart limb from limb. You have no idea how you’re going to make it out alive. In order to (hopefully) keep you in one piece, here are some tips from our expert Mugdown staff.
- Ignore the voice.
Do you hear that ominous voice whispering when you walk past the kitchen late at night? This is the first stage of The Mold gaining sentience. Ignore the voice at all costs; acknowledging it will give it control over you. If needed, shove the moldy lasagna dish into the microwave to make it someone else’s problem.
- Invest in a heavy-duty hazmat suit, or at the very least, a GP-5 gas mask.
The fastest way to succumb to The Mold is by breathing in its spores. Not only will the voice increase in volume until it convinces you to add your own rotting food to the sink ecosystem, but the spores will spread through you to your friends and into other dorms until it becomes a campus-wide pandemic.
- Hide the disposable plates and utensils.
There are only a limited number of plates and bowls that your roommate can leave in the sink before they run out. Make sure that you hide the paper plates and plastic utensils before they reach for them next. If you’re too late, there is no going back. The Mold will thrive in the sink, unperturbed.
- Remind them what is at stake.
Make sure you educate your roommate on the apocalyptic dangers of man-made horrors at movie night: “Have you ever seen Train to Busan? How about the new Frankenstein movie?”
- Look into changing your lease agreement.
If none of these preventative measures work, and your roommate has succumbed to the voice and continues to feed the thriving Mold, then there is nothing more you can do. Your next step is either to pack up and leave or to accommodate The Mold as your new roommate, because there’s no chance you’re washing anyone else’s dishes for them. But don’t worry, The Mold isn’t picky about its living quarters.
— Bread Ass & Century Striker
