University Bans “Terroristic Mathematics”

Last Wednesday, Texas A&M University president Susan Ballabina — alongside the Texas A&M Board of Regents — announced a radical policy change to course content. The university’s curriculum will now no longer include any content containing “terroristic mathematics”.

According to the new policy, “terroristic mathematics” is defined as “any text, problem sets, or exams containing Arabic numerals (i.e., 0 through 9).”

When questioned about the controversial move, a member of the Board of Regents responded that the decision “defended the Aggie core values of respect and citizenship,” and declined to give any further explanation.

While many students have expressed concern over this decision’s impact on students’ and professors’ academic freedom, polls have revealed that engineering students in particular are being uniquely challenged by the university’s decision.

 “All that is left for us now is the math that doesn’t have any numbers. I am terrified,” said electrical engineering major Jackson Doggett. 

While more information regarding the controversial ruling has yet to be released, many Texas A&M professors and students are already questioning the extent to which the ruling applies.

“Will I be able to print the date on my exams? Heck, will I even be able to teach from textbooks using page numbers?” said Naomi Gross, a professor of political science.

As Texas A&M continues its valiant campaign against the scourge of terroristic mathematics, students and faculty are left wondering what numbers will be considered too dangerous next. Will Roman numerals soon be deemed a gateway to the forbidden arithmetic? Is algebra classified as a weapon of mass destruction?

Until the university clarifies the full extent of the ban, Aggies are advised to take extreme caution around all numerical symbols. Students should refrain from calculating their grades, professors should avoid numbering their assignments and, most importantly, no one should attempt to calculate their tuition rate.

 

— Dungeons and DrAgons