University Announces Open Hunting Season to Cull Scooter Population

In light of the recent surge in scooter collisions, Texas A&M University administrators have released a statement today announcing the implementation of emergency measures to address the intensifying crisis.

“It is clear that scooters have grown out of control,” said the statement. “In order to return the pedestrian population to a state of ecological balance, we encourage students to take matters into their own hands.”

The measures presented would allow those holding valid scooter hunting licenses to hunt these “vehicles” on university grounds. While there is resistance from scooter rights groups, other stakeholders applaud the adoption of a more effective policy to address the issue. 

“It’s a matter of population dynamics,” said Michael Ox, professor of ecology and conservation biology. “What we see here is a classic example of a species’ population growing too large for the health of the ecosystem. Scooters’ natural predators aren’t allowed in pedestrian-only areas, and as a result, the predation that would keep their population down, like being flattened by a Ford F-150, isn’t happening enough to curb growth trends. Using recreational hunting to combat this is the natural next step.”

Still, scooter riders and their allies question the ethics of the methods being used by hunters.

“I was riding to class the other day, see, barreling through crowds at top speeds, seeing the fear in other students’ eyes as they dove out of the way,” said Straw Mann. “Then, just as I blew through my tenth stop sign of the day, I hit something and felt this wave of heat as I was thrown from my scooter. When I came to, just through the smoke and blood I saw my scooter being carried off by two guys in full college campus camouflage. They’d mined the intersection. I didn’t even have a chance to stop and see the landmine before it took me out.” 

The Aggie Spirit Buses will also be joining in on this push to control the scooter population. Select bus routes will now arm passengers with rifles for a nominal fee, allowing for cleansing excursions of “hunting by bus” between classes. Administrators are hopeful that these measures will mean an overall improvement in campus ecology in the long term.

“I think that this will be a good opportunity for all of us to get outside and stretch our legs,” said President Susan Ballabina. “And besides, scooter tire jerky is nutritious and easy to make, even for an amateur hunter.”

 

— Cult Zealot