A Last-Minute Guide to Getting Over Your Ex
Summer! A season to explore horizons you otherwise wouldn’t have time for. Some people worked internships. Some saw the world. Some improved in a hobby or skill they’re passionate about. This wasn’t you. You wasted the summer in a fugue state recovering from the loss of the only person you could ever love, and now you’ve been dragged back into the warm embrace of the fall semester kicking and screaming. As it stands, the situation is untenable. You need to put these romantic tribulations behind you before the weather turns cold and get back on the grind. But how?
- Get a haircut.
I know you went to the barber immediately after the breakup, but you just found out that your ex is dating again, so that warrants another trip. Don’t ask for anything fancy. Go as short as gender norms allow and comfort yourself knowing that you’ve emerged from your summertime chrysalis to become a big beautiful bald butterfly.
- Get an instrument.
You failed to be there for them consistently as a partner, and that left them feeling hurt and alone in the relationship, and it’s maybe slightly too late for you to become the next big thing in music before midterms. But if you can just get your hands on an instrument (ideally one with some sex appeal, like a bass), you’ll be setting yourself up to maybe possibly consider practicing every so often.
- Do serious introspection about your own shortcomings and try to grow from it.
I mean, sure, I guess.
- Get totally ripped.
There’s no better way to show the world that you’ve turned over a new leaf than by packing on 30 pounds of pure muscle. You don’t have much time to make serious gains without hitting up that weird guy from your kinesiology course, but don’t worry; half of going to the gym is telling other people you’ve been going to the gym. Even better, there’s this thing called “bulking,” a lifestyle choice you’ve already been participating in but can now pretend is intentional.
- Get a project done.
Channel your feelings into something emotionally cathartic, like arts and crafts or short-form satire content. You know you have something you neglected this summer that you always meant to get around to, and if life’s taught you anything recently, it’s that your time on this earth is fleeting. Better start scrambling like a madman to get it done before this too passes you by.
— Cult Zealot
He’s not in a cult, he’s just an English major, which is honestly worse. Cult Zealot treats every assigned reading like sacred scripture and every class discussion like a sermon no one asked to attend. He doesn’t “like” books, he is devoted to them, and will absolutely corner you after class to explain why you “missed the deeper meaning” of “The Cat in the Hat.” You’ll hear him before you see him, usually mid-monologue about feminism, punk rock or why your favorite author is “problematic.” We’re not saying he’s trying to convert you…but if you walk away questioning everything you’ve ever read, just know he’s claimed another one.