Carport Coffee Hosts Ultimate Performative Male Meetup
On Friday, Sept. 4, Carport Coffee on University Drive hosted a meetup for all the misunderstood males in College Station that enjoy the simple things in life: matcha lattes, women’s rights and Clairo.
The event included various performative activities. Free drinks were given to men who could correctly recite the 19th Amendment, and two competitions were held: “Best Moustache” and “Most Obscure Book by a Female Author, Carried Around in a Tote Bag.”
To commemorate the event, Carport launched a new matcha latte flavor, “This and a Vodka Cran.” Carport owners Jeremy Grind and Bradleigh Brown were inspired by the Conan Grey song “Vodka Cranberry,” a favorite among the performative male community. The new drink is described as “a smooth blend of fruity and citrus notes with a slightly bitter aftertaste, perfectly encapsulating the personality of these men.”
“All sales from today’s meetup will go directly to ‘Men Who Support Women,’ a performative male-run charity working to end the Pink Tax,” said Brown. “Women have it so hard, and it’s our duty to support them.”
According to Grind and Brown, the event was a huge success, with over 200 performative males in attendance. Independent research, however, shows that this number signifies no meaningful increase from the usual number of performative males that visit Carport on any given day.
— Battman
Battman is a dirty, filthy pledge of The Mugdown, and has not earned their right to a bio yet. Check back next semester!