Board of Regents Bans Condoms from Aggie Wellness Packs
Each semester, University Health Services distributes Aggie Wellness Packs to Texas A&M University students. These bags typically include electrolyte drink mixes, first aid supplies and even condoms to encourage safe sex. This year, however, the Board of Regents decided to ban condoms from these packages for fear they promote premarital sex among Aggies.
“It has come to our attention that University Health Services’ Aggie Wellness Packs contain tools which encourage deviant sexual activity,” said Robert L. Albritton, Chairman of the Board of Regents. “We will not stand for this. The radical woke concept of ‘safe sex’ has no place at this university.”
One student shared his opinion on the Board of Regents’ decision. “I didn’t really need the singular free condom anyway,” said freshman Seth Miles. “My mom snuck a jumbo pack of Trojans into my suitcase with a note reading ‘Have fun and be safe, Sugar Plum!’ Also, no one wants to sleep with me.”
Several student organizations have stepped up to fill in the birth control gap left by the removal of condoms from the Wellness Packs. The Dungeons and Dragons club has pledged to increase membership by 120% this semester, which they expect to result in newfound involuntary celibacy among at least six Aggies. Additionally, MSC OPAS announced that internet personality Clavicular will conduct an on-campus anti-mogging workshop to reduce the attractiveness, and hopefully sexual activity, of Texas A&M students.
– Ditzie Chicken
Ditzie Chicken is not a male-centered woman, she simply thinks men are the most interesting aspect of life. She must obsess over a boy at all times lest she rapidly descend into a pit of melancholia. Ditzie Chicken does not discriminate; she thinks all men are handsome, as long as they are blonde. Before spending time with friends, Ditzie makes a mental list of three potential conversational topics that have nothing to do with men so as not to annoy her companions with another pointless monologue about her favorite man of the week. In her free time, Ditzie enjoys thinking about dating, thinking about men and thinking about dating men. Despite what may be suggested by her personality, Ditzie Chicken has an IQ of over 180. In the future, she plans to work as a biomedical-aerospace-chemical engineer and, more importantly, get married.