An NPC’s Guide to Every Conversation You’ll Have the First Week of School
The first week of school is dangerous. After weeks of blissful isolation, students are now expected to remember old names and interact with new people. Fortunately, most first-week encounters follow the same pattern. Here’s your guide to predicting these conversations before they inevitably happen:
#1: Classmate you’ll never see again:
You sit next to someone on the first day.
You exchange names.
You discover you’re both equally confused about what the professor is saying.
You laugh about it.
You say, “We should definitely study together sometime.”
You exchange Instagrams.
You will never see this person again.
#2: Aggressive Student Org Recruiter
You make eye contact; this is your first mistake.
“Hey! Are you interested in getting involved on campus?”
“No thanks.”
“Great! What’s your major?”
“I’m just trying to get to class”
“That’s what our org is really about!”
Now they’re walking next to you. You don’t remember agreeing to this.
They hand you a QR code, a flyer and a sticker.
You’ve somehow joined an organization.
You don’t know what it does.
You don’t know what it means.
You are now the Outreach Chair.
#3: The Person You Definitely Recognize but Don’t Remember
You see someone walking toward you.
They smile.
You smile back.
You clearly recognize each other.
“Hey! How are you?”
“Good! You?”
“Good!”
Pause. You have approximately three seconds to determine whether this is:
- Someone from high school
- Someone from class
- Someone you talked to at Northgate
- Someone whose name you should absolutely know
You dance around the fact that you don’t know their name.
“Good to see you, man.”
“Talk to you later, bro.”
Honorable Mention: The Person who says “We Should Hang Out”:
We all know that this is not a commitment.
It’s a ceremonial phrase.
Like “Happy Birthday.”
Like “We should get lunch sometime.”
Like “I’m going to lock in this semester, trust.”
It is said at the end of a conversation when neither person knows how to leave.
Neither of you will make plans.
Survive the first week, and congratulations. You’ve learned the names of people you’ll forget, collected three student organization flyers you won’t look at twice and mastered the art of pretending to recognize someone.
Unfortunately, the semester is 15 weeks long.
See you next Monday!
– The 12th NPC
12th NPC is the kind of character everybody and nobody recognizes– the extra in every video game with the same face as a dozen others. At any time of day, you can find 12th NPC either walking around town, sitting on a bench, or selling items, going day-by-day on a loop of pre-determined actions, only deviating when the main character happens to pass by. It’s actually this very forgettability that makes them so powerful. With the ability to slip into any room unnoticed, 12th NPC can linger on the edge of every conversation, and witness any and all private decisions without any consequences. There are on-going debates at The Mugdown on whether or not this writer even exists, or if it’s a shared mass delusion as articles written by 12th NPC just appear on the website sporadically, with no warning or pattern, just a presence that no one can confirm or deny.