Grifter’s Guide to Overnight Stardom: Three Easy Steps to Gain Fame, Fortune

The job market is failing miserably, but, as Kourtney Kardashian once said, “Kim, there’s people dying.” You may not be able to get a job, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t a plethora of other issues to leech off of. When all else fails, why not try grifting? 

The Mugdown’s very own writer, sexy person and grifter extraordinaire, Battman, has created an easy, three-step plan so you can live your grifter dreams and reach the ultimate influencer status. There are money, fame and fortune to come, but only if you follow these simple steps:

 

1. Identify your topic of interest. 

This is by far the most important step of the grifting process. What do people on the internet care about? What will get you likes, clicks and engagement? Who can you enrage? As a professional grifter, here is my topic selection process: First, I look through my favorite vertical scrolling apps. Eventually, I’ll come across a video with an opinionated take that can’t be taken seriously. For example, an influencer may believe the word “moist” should replace the word “the” in all English texts. It’s weird. It’s stupid. It’s perfect. This person has 10 million views, and you can achieve that too. Your new claim: society should eradicate the color red from all areas of daily life. The color scares you; what further evidence could you possibly need?

 

2. Start your wheel of propaganda. 

Next, you have to start posting, posting, posting. You need reels, you need TikToks and even YouTube Shorts if you want to reach that audience. Grifting is a grinder’s game. Your claims must be as audacious as possible. Continuing our example, perhaps red is not only unnerving but also an insult to those sensitive to color. It enrages people, it scares animals and a “red flag” is a negative thing for a reason. You have to construct a worldview that will garner views, attention, threats and, hopefully, a platform.

 

3. Secure your platform and a following, then abandon your cause for a new one. 

We live in a world that is constantly changing. Every day there is a new issue, event or crisis that grips the internet’s short attention span; this is the exact phenomenon you need to exploit to keep your momentum going. After you build up an army of haters for your first cause, you will have your platform. You will be attracting brand deals, cash, podcast invitations from Joe Rogan and, maybe, collabs with other famous grifters. These developments will only continue catapulting you into stardom and keep the money flowing. Now, it’s time to abandon the fight against the color red, because honestly lime green makes you feel icky, or maybe burnt orange makes you want to throw up. As grifters, we are constantly changing; we are constantly adapting. Remember that. 

 

If you follow these simple instructions, you too can reach guaranteed grifter status. By the powers vested in me, go forth my dears, and grift! 

 

— Battman