New Aggie Ring Loan Program Allows Students to Offer Up Firstborn
The Aggie Ring: It is a symbol of Texas A&M University, a token of all the hard work put in by students of the institution over the course of their enrollment. But for many, this token is accompanied by financial hardship. No, this isn’t just due to crippling student loan debt; the ring itself has become a burden for those who wish to carry on the Texas A&M legacy.
Due to the rising cost of gold, ring prices reached record highs of up to $3,000 this year. This created a problem for many students, for whom traditional methods of fundraising, such as the Bryan-College Station blood and organ market, have become less viable.
“It’s all about supply and demand,” said economics professor Dr. Carl Marks. “Right now, there are too many kidneys rolling around in Igloo beer coolers. It’s a buyer’s market.”
In response to these unprecedented circumstances, the Association of Former Students plans to roll out a sister program to the Aggie Ring Scholarship next semester, calling itself the Aggie Ring Rumpelstiltskin Program. This would allow students who are unable to meet the cost of an Aggie Ring to replace it with a blood oath to deliver the Association the student’s future firstborn child. It is already a hit with students who see it as a human-first policy that meets the difficult realities of the present economy.
“I mean, I can’t afford to have kids anyways, especially since Planned Parenthood isn’t allowed anymore,” said junior Elizabeth Owens. “Plus, I get a sweet piece of tradition out of it. It’s a win-win in my book.”
The Association has assured the public that all ring babies will be raised in the finest of on-campus dorms and in close compliance with Aggie traditions. After 18 years of tender love and care, they will be turned over as fresh recruits to the Corps of Cadets to start the Aggie circle of life once again.
— Cult Zealot
He’s not in a cult, he’s just an English major, which is honestly worse. Cult Zealot treats every assigned reading like sacred scripture and every class discussion like a sermon no one asked to attend. He doesn’t “like” books, he is devoted to them, and will absolutely corner you after class to explain why you “missed the deeper meaning” of “The Cat in the Hat.” You’ll hear him before you see him, usually mid-monologue about feminism, punk rock or why your favorite author is “problematic.” We’re not saying he’s trying to convert you…but if you walk away questioning everything you’ve ever read, just know he’s claimed another one.