Graduate Student Becomes Immortal From Energy Drink Addiction
There has been a recent discovery that Redbull, along with giving you wings, can make you immortal. We at The Mugdown were able to schedule an exclusive meeting with one of the afflicted, Jackson Thomas, who has been working on getting his PhD in Cryptography since 2006.
Thomas, who has been an avid Red Bull drinker since the company’s founding in 1997, has the same resting heart rate as a hummingbird and a metabolism that health professionals have compared to a feral rabbit. Additionally, he has an ageless presence like a slightly uglier Anne Hathaway or Economics Professor Jonathan Meer.
Thomas shared photographs of his pantry, which was comparable to an end-of-the-world prepper’s basement. There were alternating shelves of Honey Buns, ramen and Red Bull, making for a diverse, preservative-rich diet.
While Thomas hasn’t developed any other supernatural abilities besides immortality, he has begun developing strange lumps on his back, akin to those of a Lipoma, or most likely, feathery wings.
Thomas has no plans for kicking this addiction. After finishing his PhD, he seems to be lying in wait for the Cryptography Department Head, Dr. Billy Redding’s death. However, Dr. Redding has been teaching since the 1950s and seems to be oddly frozen in the late 1990s. Ultimately, it seems to be a matter of who quits drinking Redbull first.
— Boot In My Mouth
Some people were born to lead. Others were born to follow. And then there’s Boot in My Mouth, who has made a proud career out of enthusiastically agreeing with absolutely anything said by anyone with even the slightest hint of authority. Professor, boss, random guy in line at Chick-fil-A…doesn’t matter. If there’s a boot nearby, he’s already halfway down polishing it. We’re not saying he’d sell us out for a gold star…but we are saying he’d ask how many stars you have first.