Beutel Health Center Unveils Slang Recovery Workshop
Following an influx of complaints from Texas A&M faculty, Beutel Health Center announced they will now offer a slang recovery workshop for students suffering from severe cases of internet brainrot.
According to Beutel, the workshop aims to “eliminate words such as ‘huzz’ and ‘sigma chungus’ from the vocabulary of Texas A&M students to improve their respectability, employability and ability to communicate with elders.”
To diminish the stigma surrounding slang dependence, real students shared their addiction and recovery testimonies.
“I accidentally called my professor ‘unc’ in a 200-person lecture,” said junior political science major Keith Ahrens. “The worst part is, it’s valid. He is so old it’s trippy, like literally BoomerMaxxing.”
“Football season lately has been really triggering for me,” said sophomore slang addict Selena Contreras. “First, we were six and zero. Then, we were seven and zero. I just can’t help but think ‘six seven six seven six seven six seven…’” Selena continued with this episode until emergency medical services intervened.
“I knew I had a problem when I was on a first date,” said senior Lila McMann. “I told the guy that his ‘medium ugly haircut was majorly giving beige flag.’ Merp, I’m literally so cooked chat.”
Diego Garzo is one student who was brave enough to seek help. He shared his thoughts on his experience so far in the workshop.
“I think it’s a high key bussin workshop. At first, it seemed a little sus, but then I let the counselors cook, and the session literally ate and left no crumbs,” said Garzo.” Slang Recovery Workshop is in its W era. I’m for sure a stan now, lowkey, and I would def recommend it to the homies, high key.”
If you or a loved one is suffering from slang addiction, reach out to a counselor by calling (676) 767-6767. If you would like to donate to support slang recovery, visit www.GoFundMe.com/BoiDonateHereForRealNoCap
—Ditzie Chicken
Ditzie Chicken is not a male-centered woman, she simply thinks men are the most interesting aspect of life. She must obsess over a boy at all times lest she rapidly descend into a pit of melancholia. Ditzie Chicken does not discriminate; she thinks all men are handsome, as long as they are blonde. Before spending time with friends, Ditzie makes a mental list of three potential conversational topics that have nothing to do with men so as not to annoy her companions with another pointless monologue about her favorite man of the week. In her free time, Ditzie enjoys thinking about dating, thinking about men and thinking about dating men. Despite what may be suggested by her personality, Ditzie Chicken has an IQ of over 180. In the future, she plans to work as a biomedical-aerospace-chemical engineer and, more importantly, get married.