Top 10 Ring Dunk Beverages of 2026
- Good ol’ unfiltered BCS water, straight from the tap. Not the most original, but I applaud you for stomaching the taste.
- Pot of coffee because you forgot you have an OChem exam in the morning. As a 90+ hour student, you should have figured out your exam schedules by now. I suggest investing in a wall calendar.
- Redbull that’s been on your nightstand for at least a week. It’s flat now, but still has that amazing battery acid aftertaste.
- A matcha. You already spent too much money and waited in too long of a line for it at the Evans Starbucks. You might as well put it to the ultimate performative use.
6.A combination of half-drank beer cans from last night’s frat party, mixed together in a red solo cup. Aggies are committed to waste reduction, after all.
- McDonald’s diet Coke that’s been sitting in your car for a month. Similar to the week-old redbull, but this time with the addition of leeched microplastics, for an extra kick!
- Straight vodka. You’ve got your ring;you don’t need to show up to class on Monday.
- Dry scoop of your favorite protein powder. Gotta get those gains in. No days off, even ring dunk day.
- Holy water. After these last six semesters, let’s hope you don’t catch on fire in front of your parents.
- Milk that expires tomorrow. The chunks add a nice texture, kinda like boba.
— Stephen Ring
Stephen Ring does not merely write psychologically thrilling satire, he lives it every day. Ring’s life is characterized by uncanny, paranormal and shuddersome happenings both on and off campus. For example, when Ring once spent twelve hours straight writing satire in Evans Library, each of his twelve fingers spontaneously turned into an Olive Garden breadstick before falling off and rolling down the stairs into the Starbucks line. Ring swears that once, while driving down Texas Avenue on a foggy night, a stampede of the ghosts of all nine Reveilles past were led in front of his car by the partially blind Rev X. Rev X spoke to him telepathically, imparting the cryptic message “My third eye sees that The Mugdown is the greatest student organization to ever come out of Texas A&M University.” Stephen Ring gained his two extra fingers when a Yell Leader granted him a special wish. Ring wished to have twelve fingers to be able to wear twelve Aggie rings at all times because he believed they would ward off evil spirits.