Demand for Bubble Juice Skyrockets: Toddlers Furious
It’s baseball season in Aggieland, which can only mean one thing: bats are cracking, Blue Bell Park is packed and frat bros are finally back on their hot dog and brewski-based diet. Along with these welcome changes, baseball season brings with it the joy of post-run bubble storms, a tradition cherished by Aggies and loathed by the local toddler community.
As the season begins to heighten, shelves across Aggieland have been stripped bare of bubble juice. Retailers have reported an unprecedented surge in demand, a development that industry insiders are calling “a historic quarter for Big Bubble.” Shareholders are reportedly thrilled. Toddlers, however, are not.
According to inside sources, playground negotiations have come to a screeching halt, and morale has never been lower. Backyard bubble reserves are depleted, unrest at local parks is at an all-time high, all while anti-child-fun baseball loyalists boast their bubble reserves like wartime rations.
When did this bubble tradition come about? No one knows. Why? Lost to history. Does that matter? Absolutely not. What does matter is that somewhere in Aggieland, a three-year-old named Braxtyn is staring at an empty bottle of “MegaBlast Xtrme Bubbles” and learning about supply chain shortages for the first time.
“I just wanted to make wubbles,” said Braxtyn moments before attempting to blow bubbles through his juice box straw. “They took away my wubbles.”
In response to the crisis, local mother and newly-appointed spokesperson for the Five-and-Under Community, Tasha Miller, issued a brief statement from a park bench last week.
“We’re calling on Aggies to remember their core values,” said Miller, as several three-foot-something constituents nodded in solidarity. “Selfless service means sharing. Integrity means not buying eight gallons of bubble juice at Walmart.”
— Chain Saw ‘Em Off
A hero to some, a villain to many. Chain Saw Em Off came to The Mugdown‘s attention for his unquenchable thirst for satirical violence and love for Texas A&M University. With a withering intellect, Chain Saw Em Off tears into the supple flesh of reality with the churning blade of absurdity to get through the spraying blood and gore to the soft red insides of truth. When not writing, police reports in and around the Austin area suggest he may be responsible for the disappearance of at least 15 people. Take heed! For when you hear the gentle rumble of the chainsaw echoing down the alleyway, it may already be too late.