Liberal Arts School to be Replaced By Conservative Arts School
In the latest of a string of reforms to Texas A&M University by administrative staff, officials have confirmed the university has decided to dissolve its College of Liberal Arts and replace it with a first-of-its-kind College of Conservative Arts.
“It’s about damn time someone did something about the liberal arts college,” said Board of Regents member Lob McBribe. “I mean, it literally has ‘liberal’ in the name. They don’t even try to hide their indoctrination these days, so why should we?”
The university has reportedly tapped several high-profile conservative figures to lead the new school, with reports that Kyle Rittenhouse and Ben Shapiro have been spotted on campus interviewing for the position of “Founding Dean of Conservative Thought.”
The new school, which is being built with funding from every oil company in existence and a Republican super PAC, will be officially named the Kirk School of Conservative Arts.
Some of the new courses planned for the college include How to Avoid Taxes 101, which fulfills both an ethics requirement and a recruiting pipeline for major accounting firms. Other courses will include How To Mismanage Immigration, cross-listed with political science and border security studies and AI for Ragebaiting, a capstone course in which students use generative artificial intelligence to create content that maximizes ad revenue and civil unrest, and produces tweets for sitting members of Congress.
“I mean, thank God, dude,” said Jack Durmont, a member of Pi Kappa Alpha who did not get into Mays Business School and is now majoring in economics in the Liberal Arts School. “When I got into liberal arts, I was so worried they were gonna make me get a nose piercing and, like, kiss guys as part of, like, a graded participation section in Gender Studies.”
—Yap Leader
Some students scream for the Yell Leaders, but Yap Leader screams at them. The only student ever kicked out of Kyle for excessive sideline commentary, Yap once tried to turn Midnight Yell into a TED Talk. Their yell style? Less humping it, more stories roasting the other teams on their philosophies regarding cult-like traditions, delivered in the cadence of a manic auctioneer. You’ll hear them before you see them – usually arguing with the corps about trying to replace “BTHO” with “respectfully outmaneuvering.”