Mays Business School to Offer Gambling Major Next Fall
In the midst of mass outcry over controversial class cancellations and the erosion of academic freedom in its hallowed halls, Texas A&M University has continued to be hailed by advocates in their implementation of a “bold new model of education.” At the forefront of this initiative is the newly established program “Bachelor of Science in Predictive Investment,” directed in conjunction with Kalshi Inc.
“What really gets us giggling and kicking our feet about the Predictive Investment program is how it really encapsulates the current state of our economy ” said newly-appointed Executive Director of Compliance James Gobbles. “America has never rewarded foolish kids who’ve spent all their time on book learning. The world needs doers, men of action. And we’re prepping students for that by making sure they make their investments based on something more important than critical thought: the pure gambler intuition.”
While some professors are up in arms about this new initiative, others are going against tradition and advocating for change.
“The stock market is old news at this point; shareholder value is an imaginary number dreamt up by men pumped full of Columbian cocaine, Russian syphilis and German antibiotics, and we’ve chained our entire economy to it? It’s time for a change,” said Professor Dribbles Figgleton. “What’s real, what’s authentic, is making asset assumptions on what the temperature will be in Tel Aviv tomorrow. Those are the kinds of investments we need our students to make.”
Some critics argue that this emphasis on the risky investment in concepts with no “real” market value may simply be the final stage of a deeply sick economic system that has been eating itself alive to stave off its inevitable collapse since at least the Reagan administration. However, university officials assure the student body that such concerns are baseless, and the political science professor responsible for the previous school of thought has been sacked.
— Cult Zealot
He’s not in a cult, he’s just an English major, which is honestly worse. Cult Zealot treats every assigned reading like sacred scripture and every class discussion like a sermon no one asked to attend. He doesn’t “like” books, he is devoted to them, and will absolutely corner you after class to explain why you “missed the deeper meaning” of “The Cat in the Hat.” You’ll hear him before you see him, usually mid-monologue about feminism, punk rock or why your favorite author is “problematic.” We’re not saying he’s trying to convert you…but if you walk away questioning everything you’ve ever read, just know he’s claimed another one.