Century Square Unveils New Additions to Make Everything Worse This Spring

Century Square has quickly become an integral component of the College Station economy and a fundamental part of the Aggie experience. The shopping district is even recognized by people who have never left Texas as “the Fifth Avenue of the Bryan–College Station area.” Nearly all Texas A&M students have made fond memories in Century Square through awkward lunch dates with a friend they haven’t talked to since middle school, mandatory dinner socials with their painfully quiet FLO “fam” or overpriced mini golfing with their dad who can’t keep commenting that “none of this was here when [he] went to Texas A&M.” 

Despite occupying a special place in the hearts of current Aggies, this ritzy mixed-use development is not without its shortcomings. Students complain that the shops and restaurants should be more expensive, parking is much too convenient and that they do not run into enough ex-talking stages clearly on a date with someone else. The owners of Century Square have taken suggestions into account and plan to add the following new developments to the area this spring:

 

1. CAVA for ParentsTM: CAVA can be confusing for adults aged 45 and older and embarrassing for their accompanying Gen Z children. Luckily, the restaurant chain is introducing a new subsidiary, CAVA for ParentsTM. This establishment will feature the following accommodations to improve diners’ experiences:

1. 1. An introductory video explaining the concept of a “bowl.” 
   2. Large print menus in case Dad forgets his readers.
   3. A personal assistant assigned to each customer to aid in navigating the buffet line.
   4. Simpler ingredient names for uncultured adults. All salad bases will now be referred to as “lettuce,” both lentils and rice will be referred to as “rice,” hummus will be referred to as “thick dip” and tzatziki will not be offered.

2. Another Useless Little Gift Boutique: There is nothing better to get your friend for their birthday than a Useless Little Gift. However, there is a shortage of Stupid, Expensive Boutiques in College Station. Another Useless Little Gift Boutique will meet your regiftable gift needs. Here, you can buy $60 candles, expensive dresses that fit nobody’s body type and funny hand towels that absorb up to 12% of water on hands. You can also come in and just look at the crap for $10 a person or $15 if you want to pick something up and say to your friend “Omg you should get this.”

 

3. Lululemon Boyfriend Play Area: No longer will your boyfriend bother you while you shop at Lululemon. Send him to the Lululemon Boyfriend Play Area, where he can bond with other boyfriends who have been dragged out to go shopping. When you’re ready to pay, one of our employees will retrieve your boyfriend so he can swipe his credit card.

 

4. Pickleball Courts: To combat parking meter violators, Century Square will replace all surface parking with pickleball courts (bonus points for every shopper you hit with your pickleball!). Extra parking will be available in the old Bonfire Field. Here, like most places, towing will be sporadically and illegally enforced. 

 

5. First Date Diner: Fret no more about choosing a restaurant for your first date! First Date Diner provides the ultimate First Date experience by offering these features:

1. 1. If there is an awkward pause in your conversation with your date, one of our servers will immediately bring out a sizzling plate of fajitas to create a distraction. 
   2. The dining room is equipped with a two way mirror on the entire side wall so that your friends can easily spy on you on your date. 
   3. When you or your date goes to the bathroom, a staff member will intercept each of you to ask how you will be divvying up the bill so that all awkwardness can be avoided when the check comes.
   4. No hot waiters hired, ever!

 

While these additions are advertised to open in fall of 2026, students can reasonably expect them to be ready by mid-2028 with lots of disruptive construction until then.

— Ditzie Chicken