Breaking: Couple On Your Spring Break Trip Just Broke Up
Last night around 1:32 a.m. after a heated argument and several fights over who would pay for the Uber home from the bars, Sarah Jones and Keith Davis decided to end their three-year relationship. When asked about their reasoning, Sarah cited Keith’s empty pockets, inability to communicate, poor hygiene and infidelity, while Keith simply said, “the chick’s crazy.”
This development has dire ramifications, as the two are currently on an eight-couple group trip in Fort Lauderdale for three more days. Massive upheaval has broken out as car assignments are shaken up, the group decides whether one or both are still allowed to stay for the duration of the trip and the painful financial burden distributed among the remaining couples if they don’t stay.
The breakup is causing a very large rift in the group, as Keith and Sarah were the backbone of this trip. As the only couple to know all eight attendees, they acted as the bridge between the two friend groups that made up the trip.
One couple in particular is having a rather tough time with the news.
“I mean, like dude, I get it, that bird was always chirping at the dawg for just following his scent,” said an anonymous group member in the situation. “If it were me, I would’ve cut that shorty off months ago, but doing it in the middle of our spring break trip is just so selfish, dude. I have to pay like 18 more dollars per night now, and my shawty doesn’t even want to stay until the end anymore.”
The remaining couples have reportedly taken drastic action to prevent total spring break collapse, enacting the Gaslight Contingency. The group has conspired to convince the couple to get back together before they return to College Station, thereby restoring peace and order to the trip and friend group.
The women decided to host a wine night with Sarah this evening, in which they will assure her that Keith hooking up with three girls during sylly week was not a bad thing, and actually proved he was a “hot prize” she could not afford to lose. Meanwhile, the boys will take Keith out for a game of golf, and point out to Keith that Sarah did his laundry, dishes and homework and remind him that Sarah was definitively “bad AF.”
The group got an early start this morning with strongly poured mimosas for some liquid courage to execute their plan, and as a last-ditch attempt to make Sarah and Keith completely forget the events of the previous night, the trip now entirely rests in the cleansing power of cheap champagne. .
–Yap Leader
Some students scream for the Yell Leaders, but Yap Leader screams at them. The only student ever kicked out of Kyle for excessive sideline commentary, Yap once tried to turn Midnight Yell into a TED Talk. Their yell style? Less humping it, more stories roasting the other teams on their philosophies regarding cult-like traditions, delivered in the cadence of a manic auctioneer. You’ll hear them before you see them – usually arguing with the corps about trying to replace “BTHO” with “respectfully outmaneuvering.”