Survey Shows Mugdown Writers Make Better, More Passionate Lovers

In the spirit of the Valentine’s season, the student populace’s mind turns to questions of love. With hearts aflutter, eyes full of stars and nervous gnawing at their fingertips, the natural question has arisen: for all these lonely hearts, what kind of people will bring them fullness and joy? According to a recent survey, the ones best suited for the task are the writers on the premier collegiate satirical publication and voice of truth and wisdom, The Mugdown.

“Yes, it seems so,” said the survey’s anonymous, but presumably eligible bachelorish author in an exclusive interview. “Everyone agrees, if you want someone who really understands and cherishes you like no one else, you can’t do any better than someone who spends their free time writing college-centric satire columns.”

Indeed, it is their discerning, yet witheringly cynical countenance that grants these sultans of satire their romantic charm, even though it might not seem immediately obvious to former girlfriends of two years and the only woman they ever truly loved. 

“They spend so much time observing the outside world and its absurd contradictions that you know they’re good listeners. They may seem overly critical and occasionally pedantic, but it’s just because of that dry, intelligent humor,” said the author.“And any birthdays or anniversaries they missed were because it was an honest mistake.”

Ultimately though, what really makes these monarchs of mirth desirable is the nobility of satire as an undertaking, a nobility that some may say surpasses other, less clever pursuits like so-called “real” journalism. They show the world its foolish side in a mirror, jesters in the court of the human condition, changing the world with the clatter of a keyboard..

“Why fall under the spell of a handsome, well-spoken activist with good hair and strong convictions? Why believe that wanting the world to be different requires you to do anything more than just producing and consuming the ‘right’ kind of art? Why fall for some guy named Derek just because he’s ‘doing something with his life,’ and ‘treats me with the respect I deserve’?”

Interested parties can find what they’re looking for in the blue hoodie on the Blocker patio where he once thought he was in love. 

— Cult Zealot