The Squirrel I Walked Under Century Tree With Won’t Leave Me Alone
Last Monday, while on my way to an advising meeting in Bolton Hall, I accidentally walked under the Century Tree. I was so lost in my thoughts about getting into my required basket-weaving course that I didn’t notice the leafy canopy of that age-old Aggie tradition above my head.
By the time I realized my mistake, it was too late. And to make matters worse, I noticed I had been joined by a squirrel. We locked eyes and the world stood still. His tail flicked side to side as my heart skipped a beat. A life of quiet mornings spent in the trees and peaceful afternoons digging for nuts flashed before my eyes. I was finally content. Then, I realized that was ridiculous and I was running late, so I left him dazed and confused in the shade of the tree’s leaves.
In the week since, my life has been plagued by my furry suitor. It seems that everywhere I turn, he (or she, I’m not entirely sure) is there. I walk out of my morning lecture, there he is, ready to scurry me to my next class. I decide to head to Sbisa to have an early lunch, and he’s outside of my dorm with a pile of nuts for my munching pleasure. Last night, I opened my dorm window to find him three stories below with a boombox held above his head, attempting to serenade me with the dulcet tones of Peter Gabriel.
That’s enough. I’ve let it go on long enough. I’ve decided I have to let him down easy. He can’t possibly expect me to hold true to such a silly superstition. I can’t be with a squirrel for the rest of my life! Right??
– Stephen Ring
Stephen Ring does not merely write psychologically thrilling satire, he lives it every day. Ring’s life is characterized by uncanny, paranormal and shuddersome happenings both on and off campus. For example, when Ring once spent twelve hours straight writing satire in Evans Library, each of his twelve fingers spontaneously turned into an Olive Garden breadstick before falling off and rolling down the stairs into the Starbucks line. Ring swears that once, while driving down Texas Avenue on a foggy night, a stampede of the ghosts of all nine Reveilles past were led in front of his car by the partially blind Rev X. Rev X spoke to him telepathically, imparting the cryptic message “My third eye sees that The Mugdown is the greatest student organization to ever come out of Texas A&M University.” Stephen Ring gained his two extra fingers when a Yell Leader granted him a special wish. Ring wished to have twelve fingers to be able to wear twelve Aggie rings at all times because he believed they would ward off evil spirits.