Texas A&M Ticket Officers to Participate in Parking Enforcement Olympics
Texas A&M ticket officers at the Transportation Services Department recently announced that their team has received its bid for the inaugural Parking Enforcement Olympic Games. Students across campus have reported seeing the fearless officers segwaying up and down parking garage ramps, stopwatches in hand, as they prepare to beat out the competition.
According to Rhoda Fine, Head of Transportation Services and the Official Coach for the inaugural team, a handful of events featured at the games will include the 100-Meter Citation Dash, the Parking Boot Lift, and the Hide-and-Wait Decathlon.
“We’ve been training all winter break,” said officer Lane Parker. “ Just yesterday, one of my buddies hit his personal best, issuing 231 citations before breaking for lunch.”
Students have written letters in support of the team while also expressing frustrations with the increase in parking violations.
“With the number of tickets I have gotten, I don’t think I can graduate. I’ve never even heard of some of these violations,” said senior Samantha Blaum. “What even is a vehicular assertiveness violation?”
University officials remain confident in their team’s chances, proud of the officers’ unwavering dedication.
“Other schools just don’t train like we do,” said Fine. “At Texas A&M, every ticket isn’t just a ticket – it’s a promise to you that we will bring home the gold!”
— Chain Saw ‘Em Off
A hero to some, a villain to many. Chain Saw Em Off came to The Mugdown‘s attention for his unquenchable thirst for satirical violence and love for Texas A&M University. With a withering intellect, Chain Saw Em Off tears into the supple flesh of reality with the churning blade of absurdity to get through the spraying blood and gore to the soft red insides of truth. When not writing, police reports in and around the Austin area suggest he may be responsible for the disappearance of at least 15 people. Take heed! For when you hear the gentle rumble of the chainsaw echoing down the alleyway, it may already be too late.