Nuclear Engineer Spares Campus from Final Exams

With finals season in full swing on campus, students with newfound skills and resources from their coursework are devising desperate plots to evade their exams. Among them is nuclear engineering senior Timothy Mitchell. 

Mitchell plans to go beyond the classic fire alarm trick used by other students and has drawn blueprints for unleashing nuclear winter to avoid his PHYS 415 exam.

“We have two nuclear reactors on campus. It is simply a matter of triggering a meltdown,” said Mitchell “Prepare. For as dawn approaches, I will light in the sky above West Campus a new sun that will shine upon Aggieland.”

As word of Mitchell’s glorious revolution spreads, many have entered into a period of unseasonable jubilation.

“We will witness the birth of a new world,” said Mitchell to a mass of two dozen students from his class who were dancing exuberantly on the Memorial Student Center grass, “one without rules, order or exams!”

Others have responded differently, choosing instead to continue studying.

“It is not the nature of torment to end,” said Ella Montclair, one of the last remaining, sunken-eyed occupants of the Evan’s Library third floor.

While it is currently unclear whether Mitchell’s version of salvation will come to fruition, campus experts suggest that many would face their impending doom with thankful tears in their eyes, proclaiming their academic war to, finally, be over.

— HypochondriAg