University Labs Shift From Beagle Testing to Fish Testing After Public Backlash

In response to the recent animal-testing backlash, a Texas A&M Marine Biology Laboratory is breaking new scientific ground by moving away from using fish in their experiments, substituting them with freshmen (AKA fish) from the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets. 

“We are so happy to hear about this change,” said a representative from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). “It is so terrible that any thinking, feeling thing should ever suffer laboratory testing.”

Fish have reportedly volunteered for the new initiative.

“Honestly, I’m just happy to get out of morning physical training,” said Fish Richardson while hooked up to a wide array of flashing and whirring machines. “The repeated shocks they are subjecting me to in the lab aren’t nearly as bad as the hazing. Plus, the little cage they keep me in has far less black mold than any dorm on the Quad!”

Graduate student researchers have also expressed their excitement at the transition, as it presents an opportunity to conduct previously off-limits experiments. 

“This is awesome! A lot of studies were too ‘unethical’ for our lab animals, but we can do whatever we want to these fish!” said Daniel Robertson. “And whenever we’re done with them, we just drop them back off in front of the Quad and their squadron takes care of them.”

The broader scientific community has been inspired by this move, with other top-tier research institutions already looking into forming their very own Corps of Cadets.

— Good Will Humping & HypochondriAg