Texas A&M Transportation Services Announces New Holiday: Push People Off Their Bikes Day
Following the recent surge of scooters, E-bikes and other peddling monstrosities, Texas A&M Transportation Services has announced its new campus-wide holiday: Push People Off Their Bikes Day.
“The goal of this holiday is to celebrate and reward the hardworking people who risk their lives everyday just walking on the sidewalk,” said Head of Transportation Services David Harley. “It’ll be kinda like the Purge.”
The holiday will begin at 6:00 AM on December 3rd and end at midnight. “It felt like a good day for pushing,” said Harley when asked why that specific date was picked.
“I think it’s great that the university is taking this issue so seriously,” said junior urban planning major Samantha Carlisle.“I already got my pushing gloves ready for the big day.”
Proponents of bikes and scooters are not as enthusiastic about this holiday.
“So I’m just gonna be pushed all day just because I ride my e-bike 60 miles per hour through Rudder Plaza? But when I hit an old lady on the sidewalk last week and left track marks on her back, I was the bad guy,” said e-bike rider Samuel Slaughter, who, along with that old lady, has put two pedestrians and one service dog-in-training in the hospital.
Texas A&M Transportation Services has anticipated that daily bike and scooter riders will simply leave their death machines at home to avoid the pushing. To hold the menaces accountable, Transportation Services has utilized Texas A&M’s state-of-the-art surveillance and facial recognition software to create a database of all bikers and scooter-ers. Using this software, if these students leave their bikes at home on this important holiday, they will be caught and receive an Honor Code violation.
“What can we say, we’re just upholding the law,” said Harley. “But bike cops will not be exempt from this holiday.”
–12th Baby
During an A&M home football game, a beautiful baby was born to the most Redass of parents. While the other babies laid in their cribs and slept, this baby stood proudly on top of its bedding. Doctors said it was a scientific enigma: the first known infant born with fully working legs at the time of birth. The baby stood for two hours, refusing to sit or lay down. As the home football game concluded with an Aggie win over TU, the baby laid down and fell asleep. The baby could not stand anymore no matter how hard doctors tried. That was until it was a week later and the Aggies were playing once more at home. The baby stood up again, earning the name as 12th Baby.