Aggie Parents Overwhelmed with Pride as Son Regurgitates Pitcher of Beer
This past weekend, Aggie parents Melissa and Dan Crump experienced pride in their child for the first time in 21 years. Their son, Alex Crump, achieved the greatest accomplishment of his life: finishing his ring dunk pitcher of beer more quickly than his roommates.
“This is my proudest moment as a mom,” said Melissa Crump as she cleaned vomit off the chin of her adult child. “It seems like just yesterday he was chugging a pitcher in 90 seconds. To do it in less than 20 seconds was beyond my wildest dreams.”
“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” said his father, Dan Crump. “Back in my day, we dunked our rings in straight bourbon, and I could down that pitcher without as much as one burp. Excellence like that of the Crump men takes grit. We don’t falter in the face of alcohol poisoning or possible liver failure. Excellence chugs on.”
During a break in projectile vomiting episodes, Alex’s parents asked to see his Aggie ring.
“I think I swallowed it,” said Alex. His parents’ smiles stretched even farther across their faces. “You’re welcome to search through the vomit pile, or it may make an appearance in two to three business days.” Alex then walked away to grab another beer from a nearby cooler.
“That kid truly never quits,” said his mother as a tear slipped down her cheek.
— Ditzie Chicken
Ditzie Chicken is not a male-centered woman, she simply thinks men are the most interesting aspect of life. She must obsess over a boy at all times lest she rapidly descend into a pit of melancholia. Ditzie Chicken does not discriminate; she thinks all men are handsome, as long as they are blonde. Before spending time with friends, Ditzie makes a mental list of three potential conversational topics that have nothing to do with men so as not to annoy her companions with another pointless monologue about her favorite man of the week. In her free time, Ditzie enjoys thinking about dating, thinking about men and thinking about dating men. Despite what may be suggested by her personality, Ditzie Chicken has an IQ of over 180. In the future, she plans to work as a biomedical-aerospace-chemical engineer and, more importantly, get married.